magic eight-ball

I recently got a new iMac for home. I have computers in my studio upon which I do my paying design work and create my so-far-not-paying artwork, but I got one for home so that when I wake up in the middle of the night I can work on some piece of art or other. Those middle-of-the-night hours are brilliant for this kind of thing.

It was a gift to myself. I've always been a pretty ascetic person. My husband teases me about being more Presbyterian than any of his forebears. I can easily deny myself things, and have always preferred a pared-down lifestyle, simple clothing, modest possessions and so on. He says I haven't ever stopped worrying that the cossacks will come in the middle of the night and I'll have to put everything I own on my back and flee. (I just wrote "feel" instead of "flee" — beautiful!)

At any rate, I got this huge 27-inch iMac that is so fast it feels like a bullet train. It's my middle-of-the-night art machine. It feels like an extravagance…. it's a joy machine. The other night I was not quite ready to work on some art at 2 a.m., so thought I'd do a blog post instead. I wanted to talk about forms of resistance and the concept of active trust. I wanted to make them more practical. Like give you a list of methods…. what is and what is not resistance, active trust, and so on.

I logged onto typepad, wrote three sentences and my iMac shut off. Just shut off. And immediately (once I got my pulse under control), I saw that I had a choice as to how to interpret this occurrence. I suppose I could compare the experience to buying a brand new Mercedes (while feeling a bit guilty about it), and coming out to drive it to a vacation destination the next morning, in a state of thrilled anticipation, only to have it stall out three blocks from home.

For whatever reason, this kind of thing hits me very deeply. I had a childhood in which I spent quite a lot of energy trying to hide my creativity, or keep it within forms that would please my parents, and in so doing completely lost track of it—until recently. I found it intact and buried in the back 40 of my being, and it started up with a little coaxing and is now giving me the ride of my life. It is such a great pleasure for me that I fear its loss. I lost it once and don't want to lose it again.

Perhaps I lost it the first time because I interpreted it as being "bad" the way children will, for one misguided reason or another. So the fear of punishment came rocketing out of me when my iMac shut off spontaneously. I was being punished for "having" something I wanted, letting my guard down, and opening myself up for disappointment.

THAT is resistance. Something happens and you shout NO. You see it through the eyes of the ego, the eyes of the human. These are the only eyes that believe in the concept of punishment. We invented it. When something unexpected happens, or something we don't like, we project upon that occurrence the human interpretation and we resist it. We don't want it. We are not open to another interpretation of it.

I went into the kitchen and sat down and looked out into the snowy night. I recognized that I was in a state of resistance. I wanted to fix the situation right now! I did NOT want to feel the feelings I was having. I wanted it all to go away. So I knew that I had to work with my mind until it softened and I could open back up and be in the moment without resistance.

I first tried to sit and meditate a bit, just to let go of the obsessive reaction thoughts I was having. I tried to gather in my mind and bring it to the breath, but there was too much resistance. It's like trying to talk sense to a tantruming child. Better to just walk out of the room, because any word or action feeds the fire.

Next I opened up A Course in Miracles, my go-to first aid kit. I turned to my favorite lesson, lesson 5: I am never upset for the reason I think. Then I turned to lessons 23 and 26, which deal with releasing resistance in a very direct way. That helped a little bit.

And then, after about a half hour, I let go. I invoked the spell of active trust. I decided to trust that the machine was protecting me, correcting my timing, or asking me to look more closely at my energy right then. I said, okay, so be it. I'm okay with this. I will assume that this is a good thing for one reason or another and I will cease to resist. I opened my hands and my heart and actively decided right then to align myself with the moment, come what may.

And really, this is a better post than the one I was going to write. Moving from resistance to active trust is a daily, moment to moment thing. The key thing to understand is this: the desires of your heart are known and loved. But in order to experience their fulfillment, it is of paramount importance that you move your focus from its mesmerized position—riveted to the "faulty" manifestation that is occurring in your life.

You need to move your focus away from concentration upon what you don't want or don't have, to concentration upon the feeling of everything being okay. This is what makes things okay.

Comments

[John Quelch]

Once again thanks. This is what I always say but your posting was quite relevant for me just now because I had allowed myself to get upset over a trivial inconvenience.

I was asked by the airline to come up to Shanghai to pay for a ticket because they (for whatever reason) will not accept credit card payments here in China.

Now, after inhaling the sweet balm of your post, I am thinking don't waste your energy on getting annoyed and hot under the collar about this John just surrender to the moment. Who knows maybe I'm meant to go!

Great!

[marian]

Hi John, Sometimes these so-called little things are hardest to work with. They evoke such an ego reaction. But they can yield the best rewards in terms of auspicious sudden revelations or surprise events.

There's almost always something good hidden in them... somewhere!

[Leslie]

Dear Marian,
Thank you for this beautiful post. OMG...last night there was a much deeper feeling of what you mean by active trust. That feeling of acceptance of what is. No complaint. No arguing with God. Out of the 'not knowing' a knowing way deeper than any the mind could do. A brief glimpse past the shadow of an 'I'...it seemed. Then today...more belief in appearances and resistence to them. And even as I type this, although no longer running after myself, there isn't that active trust, yet. The beautiful part of living trust, it seems, is that its very essence is that of the Infinite. It really didn't feel any different. And until one sinks, or settles, in that living trust the awful goblins of doubt float about. That has to be the worst. Your posts go such a long way to help connect with that touchstone of trust -- the only thing that sees through the doubt -- and the fear -- and the suffering. Thank you so much.
Love,
-Leslie

[reiki massage table]

This is what I gain from reading different posts everyday.I learn new thing such wonderful daily living. Your blog seems to reflect your daily activity, stating your childhood frustrations and other things that hit you deeply.There are certain things that can't be changed. Just don't put question mark to the event that is already ended with a period. Well, I bet, you really enjoy what you're doing. I'm glad that you're making use of your day. And most of all you're making your every ordinary day a memorable through exploring new things. Always remember to take some time to relax, though.