treasure hunt

I recently re-read Hope, by Joel Rothschild. I may have mentioned him here before. He has lived for over 20 years with full-blown AIDS. When he was first diagnosed and many times since, after being given a prognosis of just months, he'd bounce back while others died.

Joel's thing is survival—the fine art of survival. He seems to be driven to survive not because he fears death, but because he has a fascination with and respect for this physical life.

In Hope he describes his methods. I was reading it last night before bed. When I awoke at 2 a.m., hot and sweaty, with traffic noise pounding in my ears and various worries pressing in, I remembered and used one of them.

In the midst of a typical summer night's tossing and turning, I slowed way down and turned my focus to whatever I could find that was pleasant. The cool spots on the sheets, a feeling in my body of pain-free health, the ability to breathe freely, the pleasing support of my mattress. Anything close in... very close and very now. When I found one thing, I'd simply enjoy it and then another thing would pop up.

What Joel discovered in his determination to live with AIDS and to continue to survive, was that he didn't have the luxury of indulging in negative, self-tormenting thoughts. His life depended on not doing so.

Most of us know this, but not as clearly as he does. When a doctor would give him a new diagnosis and he'd be gazing down the barrel of yet another devastating opportunistic infection, he'd of course be thrown into an immediate morass of negativity, but he'd systematically use awareness to light his way out.

Anything, anything at all—any tiny good thing, any tiny pleasant thing—a breeze, a breath, a color seen, a sensation, a drink of water when you're thirsty. It's like building a castle out of legos, one brick at a time, or creating a huge tapestry, one stitch at a time.

Each brick, each stitch is a very small, very plain, very unassuming experience of appreciation. Just this half eaten peach on a blue plate... the gold and red and blue. Just this smooth cool floor under your foot. Just the relief of a yawn.

Pull back and draw in from the speed and distraction of life. Get close and slow and look for just one small thing that feels, looks or sounds good to you. Scan your environment with that goal in mind, the way a child might look for seashells on a beach.

This isn't any kind of heavy-handed denial or forceful positive affirmation in the face of suffering. This is very small and humble. Very subtle and vulnerable. It takes almost no effort and is soothing to do. It allows you to connect with what is always there for you.

Comments

[Leslie]

Hi Marian,
Thank you for this post. This is such sweet advice... "Anything close in... very close and very now." Some of the most life saving advice I ever received was from a wise and dear friend regarding this 'staying very close'...even though it is counter-intuitive to many situations. He said -- using old tradition -- "Stay close to the situation...like echo follows sound or like a mountain meets the sky...it hugs the mundane here and now." In difficult situations, where I have felt like running away, these images and the feeling of being so close (as to eliminate an 'I') have helped. There is the feeling you describe... "This is very small and humble. Very subtle and vulnerable." The profound way you weave meaning through everyday life is always deeply appreciated.
XOXO
-Leslie

[Aileen]

As I was reading your post I mentally began to notice the "tiny good things" around me and experienced a deep letting go as I became more aware of the present moment. What a wonderful exercise! Thanks for sharing

[will wagner]

Marian, I had a Course question that you might be able to help me with. Do I need to be actively trying to have positive thoughts or does forgiveness remove the ego interference of its own? When I have loud ego days I have just been going with the flow, looking at the ego with the Holy Spirit and I had assumed this was an emptying out process. Nothing more was needed or wanted from me in this process (ie: 'we were badly taught').

will

[marian]

Hi Will,
I find that if you can just quiet down and frame your experience (shift from content to process) when you're having loud ego days, that seems to be the most important first step. What I mean is just taking the standpoint of the observer (looking with the Holy Spirit) and noticing that you are having a loud ego day, rather than being driven by the content of what the ego is saying. Just let it be and notice.

It is actually easier to try to quiet the mind in this way than to try to have positive thoughts.

But at any time during an "ego attack" it is also possible to reach for a more comforting thought. For example, "there is nothing to fear." Or one of the great releasing thoughts from those all important first 50 lessons!

The whole point of forgiveness is to loosen the grip of fear and guilt in this moment. There's nothing else that you have to do, and however you do it is fine.