doubt and confusion

As the mind becomes more transparent and settled—as it slows down and becomes less aggressive and troublesome—life, our mirror, assumes these qualities as well. Life begins to feel calm and happy.

Every once in a while, though, a real-seeming problem will arise within the mind. It may be a response to something in your life that has never happened before, or perhaps a cumulative response to a series of minor events, but for whatever reason, a loss of mindfulness arises with it. The ego has weaseled its way into the driver's seat and you are now on a joy ride through a bad neighborhood.

When this happens, mental stories begin to spin out with a vengeance, and despite our best attempts at inquiry or mindfulness, it may be a few days (if we're lucky and it's not even longer) before the dust settles and it's possible to look clearly at what is happening.

These are periods of doubt and confusion. What had seemed clear is now murky. 

At times like this I like to think of life as an amusement park ride. I think I first got this analogy years ago from Guy Finley. You've bought your ticket and settled into your seat and the ride is taking you through all kinds of interesting attractions when suddenly it enters a haunted house. Although you may remember that the haunting isn't real, it starts to get to you. You begin to want "out."

"Wanting out" is resistance. The very same driver that detoured you into the scary stuff is now telling you to jump ship. Were you to obey its advice and get off the ride while it's passing through the haunted house, not only might you be stuck there engaging with the locals, but it might be quite a long time before you make your way back out into the light.

Stay on the ride. Let it deliver you into the sunshine, which it will if you stop fighting it and just see it instead. Realize that it's the ego that wants you to analyze the situation and find something or someone to blame for the way you feel. Resist the temptation to analyze and choose acceptance, instead. Awareness trumps ego, period.

You might try to name the state. Naming gives you power over it and brings you out of the story into the present moment. Look right at what you are feeling and see if you can find a descriptor for it, for example, "doubt and confusion." Or "anxiety." Focus your awareness on it as you repeat the name and see if it doesn't begin to lighten up a bit.

Lean into the feeling of uncertainty and just be with it. "Uncertainty." Just notice it. Negative states cannot withstand awareness. Abandon any desire to emerge triumphant—that's the ego again. Just surrender to the moment and the way it feels. Observe it. Let go, stay present, take a deep breath and trust the flow of life to deliver you.

It's a very soft and vulnerable feeling to be with your troubled heart without trying to "do something about it." That's a good place to be.

Comments

[Leslie]

Thank you Marian. Your words are mana to this heart.
XOXO
-Leslie

[Aileen]

I love your analogy, Marian. It reminds me of last summer when I had one of the worst ego attacks I've ever experienced. I must have inadvertently entered that haunted house and I wanted out as soon as possible. The pain was so intense, I was willing to do anything it took to fix the situation so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore. When I saw how much my mind wanted to run away, I decided to stay with it. I watched the suffering and allowed myself to be okay with it. Once my mind was still, I was able to see clearly the attachment that was causing me the pain and almost instantly, after weeks of suffering, I was free. It felt truly miraculous.