fifteen years ago

I recently cleaned out my office and took home a stack of journals I hadn't looked at in years. Most of them record my daily attempts to stay awake during a series of challenging life events. My goal was to avoid making an already painful situation even worse by having ego reactions. Some of them are paraphrased from books I was reading at the time, but this was way before my blogging days, so I wasn't careful about annotation. If you recognize something feel free to call it out.

Here's one helpful entry I thought I would share with you:
"The only reason we resist the self is because we fear that it is hurting our chances of getting something—be it God, love, peace—whatever. But if you are standing in a place where the idea of getting is present, the idea of losing is also present, which means you are standing in the self."

And another:
"We do not have to dispose of or keep the contents of the mind. Neither boycott nor indulge."

One more:
"Only the self fears loss. Only the self feels incomplete. Only the self speaks first and incessantly. For the self there is never enough security. The disturbance you perceive as outside of yourself IS yourself. You are dominated not by life's events, but by the inner dialogue of endless associative strings of thoughts and reactive feelings. The only solution is inner silence."

Last one:
"The self believes that the present moment is robbing it of its future."

•   •   •

At that time I was keenly aware of the fact that the mind/ego/false self/human, whatever you want to call it, always feels incomplete. It feels temporary and endangered because, in fact, it is. And because it is the state of identification with the body, with all things physical, it believes that in order to establish its completion, it has to get. Getting, adding to the self, is its main goal. It gets relationships, money, houses, cars, enlightenment, credentials, opportunities, whatever. The self loves numbers. One is the loneliest number and all that. There is nothing wrong with this. It's quite a game! But identifying with it is painful.

On the other hand, your true nature has no concept of getting. Getting doesn't exist for it. Only being. It also has no concept of incompleteness or lack. It is absolutely fine with the present moment exactly as it is.

Comments

[Leslie]

Thank you Marian,
It seems when there is a deep and relaxed attention I see that Awareness is choiceless. That already-free Awareness seems primary and not the adherence to a code of conduct regarding desires and wants.
With love,
-Leslie

[Aileen]

I used to think it was so necessary to have a quiet mind, but I've realized that what you wrote "We do not have to dispose of or keep the contents of the mind. Neither boycott nor indulge," is so much more accurate. Thoughts seem to come and go but they have no power to cause stress if they are not believed. Isn't it fun to go through old journals? :o)

[marian]

Hi, A. Yes it IS fun. I find all kinds of gems. I think the purpose of having a quiet mind, a stable mind, is a good one... it's a valid goal, quieting the mind, but it isn't necessary. What's necessary is to question the thoughts that create suffering, should you desire to stop suffering. Having a human mind is like having a dog. An untrained dog is okay, but a trained dog is easier to live with. :)