addiction to suffering

In response to my last post, a reader asked, "What is the science behind the habit of holding on to what hurts us instead of simply letting our shoulders drop and the baggage fall away?"

This is a good question. I'll try to answer it here...

We have an experience of "me." It's comprised of body sensations and sensory experiences and a continual, non-stop commentary in words and pictures, going on in the region of the head. The sense of "me" is very noisy. It is this stream of constant thoughts, feelings and sensations that we stitch together and call by our name. It's really more of a swarm of sensations and noises than an actual being.

We create a sense of self from it in the same way that, when we watch a film, our minds link together all the separate frames of film and actually see motion instead of a series of still photographs. We fill in the gaps in order to have a certain type of experience.

You could call this sense of me the ego, or the false self, but I think I'll just call it "mind" for the time being. The mind is actually very simple. It survives only on the idea of there being something outside of it—of there being something other. In relation to this other (the world, the environment, the room in which you are sitting, your kids, your parents, your coffee cup) it has unceasing opinions and judgments. The other is either for me or against me and all the varying shades of grey in between.

This continual play of opinion, of pushing against the other, or trying to attract the other, is what gathers the swarm of sensations and thoughts and feelings into something that appears to be a solid being—a self. It's like watching a dense flock of birds swoop through the air as one when they are frightened by a loud noise.

If you pay attention to your emotions—really look at them—you'll notice that you feel most solid when you are truly opposed to something that is happening in the here and now. Take righteous indignation, for example. Someone done me wrong. That's about the most solid sense of self there is. I have been wronged. An injustice as been done. I'm the innocent one here! I'm the victim!

This me vs. them mentality gathers the swarm of thoughts and sensations in such a dense way that we feel, despite the pain, intensely solid—intensely right. It is at this time that we are most resoundingly, hopelessly confused. Yet it is at this time that we feel most safe and secure. It is this feeling to which we are addicted. We're addicted to it not because it is real or it is good for us, but because it makes us feel as though we exist as separate from everything else. We relish that feeling in a deliciously sick kind of way. It's almost as though we enjoy frightening ourselves. It's a habit in every sense of the word.

There is an alternative mind that does not need an other in order to sense its own being. It is the mind we experience when we stop, drop the storyline, and just let go of the need for opposition. We stop judging, stop seeking, and just greet this plain old moment, greet the "thisness," just as it is. Just as it is. We drop our complaints against now—as it is. As we are.

If you live long enough, you'll realize that in your quest to find the answer, this is the only thing you have not tried.

Comments

[Roeland]

Wonderful post, great insights.
I always wondered why people choose for conflicts. This post contains the answer

[Rick Herranz]

Hello Friends
I am a veryy new student to The acim text However, the Idea of me being "ADDICTED TO SUFFERRING" reaaly interest me...Can you speak more on this subject...please?

[marian]

Roeland, glad it makes sense!

Rick... I will certainly be bringing up this whole idea again, thanks for asking.

[Aileen]

Wonderful post, Marian. Within ACIM it is essential to know our motivation for seeking conflict. We begin to progress much faster when we understand why we are doing it and you really nailed the answer here!

[Leslie]

Hi Marian,
Is 'turning away' from pervasive feelings or thoughts of lack the same as non-resistance to 'what is'?
It feels as though acceptance or non-resistance might work easier for me than trying to trick this mind into thinking that there is no lack or no suffering.
These last few posts have been immeasurably helpful.
Thanks again.
-Leslie