Choose Again

so easy

It's very easy to forget what you know. And it's the ego's goal to make sure that you do so.

Back in July, I took on a big job that I really didn't want. It was for a client I've talked about before—someone who is chronically panicked and late. Everything is an emergency. I turned the job down, but the client persisted, insisted, and then said the words, "name your price."

Even then, I said no. But she would not relent. And finally, seeing that she had nobody else to turn to, I gave in. It was not a necessarily a mistake (who knows what a mistake is), but it was definitely a lesson.

While doing the job, even though I intended to charge the firm a huge (to me) amount of money, I kept thinking, "this is so not worth it." The stress was enormous. Not in reality, but in the game world of what I do for a living. I was caught up, hooked, and bleeding.

The job ended a week ago, exactly, and since then I've been reeling. Stumbling. Trying to find my feet. During the final throes of doing the job I kept thinking—this is like incarnating. This is like deciding to become physical for some stupid ego reason—some underlying desire to buy your freedom by suffering for no good reason. Guilt. Insanity. I kept wondering if something similar had motivated me to take THIS job. This job of being an ego in a body in this wacky world. This silly, ridiculous, senseless job.

Now, after a week, despite Sarah Palin, despite the collapsing economy, I feel that I'm getting clear again.

You know how the Advaita Vedantists say that you should just continually meditate deeply on the question, "Who am I?" It has occurred to me in this past week that a more pertinent meditation, or contemplation, would be to ask yourself, "What is self?"

This evening I came across a fabulous six words in A Course in Miracles. It's in Chapter 12 of the text:

"Everything you perceive as the outside world is merely your attempt to maintain your ego identification, for everyone believes that identification is salvation."

Everyone believes that identification is salvation. That's what self is. The act of identification. It's an act. A decision, and an arbitrary one. But we never look deeply at the fear-based decision to commit the act of identification. It's so deeply ingrained that it never occurs to us to look at it.

The ego is the belief that we must identify. If we did not identify, we would have nothing to defend.

gone fishin' back later

I seem to be a little fatootst. Just in terms of writing here. So I'll spare you any sub-par claptrap until something pertinent floats to the top.

the ultimate nurturers

Here are three more excerpts from the near death experiences collection at the NDERF site. I had found one (but for some reason not copied it) in which the subject describes how she is shown that earth life is a dream, sort of within reality but psychically walled off from it like a kind of bubble, because it, itself, is not real. It was quite a description, and if I find it again I'll post it for all you ACIM people.

*   *   *

I saw my car upside down and my head kind of out from under it, the car was slanted on top of me with my head a ways out of the broken drivers side window.  I thought if that's down there then what's up there?

My astral body rolled and looked upward.

What I saw could be described as a vortex.  There was a hole in the sky surrounded by clouds and lightning like plasma.  Within the hole were stars but, not the stars we see outside our atmosphere at night rather, the center of the universe.  Like a galaxy swirling around the most brilliant light one could imagine. It was what I perceive to be the source.  Just outside the hole were light orbs going in and out of the hole, they were different bright nesses and colors and shapes.

At that point I prostrated and said or, rather thought, Oh my God - you are!  I bowed and became as tight as I could within myself as I understood that I had been ignorant.

While prostrating I was shown my life in review from God's perspective, the truth.  I was shown every time I had been selfish, choosing for my own interests.  I was shown every time I had been divisive or manipulative for selfish gains.  I then felt that pain several folds over.  It was like a beam into my solar plexus and it was so painful I was consumed by it and it was like all my force had the wind knocked out.  I'm not a bad person, I cannot imagine what it would be like if I had been violent or committed other trespasses against my fellows.  My guess is a review like that would be hell.

At this point a being made of light came to my side.  I was not raised religious nor was I baptized.  I could be wrong but, it felt like what people call Christ.  It was not the Christ we see in paintings or pictures, it was not the Christ we hear about from evangelicals, it was not America's Christ nor any other representation of Christ I have come across.  This was a being so pure and so benevolent and so non-judgmental I could barely comprehend the level of compassion this being possessed in the small yet brilliant light that it was.  Not until it touched me and said "I'll take that, it's for me" and took the beam from me and touched me, was I even able to fathom this amazing love.

His light seemed to go dim for an "instant" and the beam disappeared then "he" then "said" "you are forgiven.  You were flesh and with flesh, is biology and psychology and instinct and desire and mechanism and ego and the serving there of.  To be flesh is to sin and that is the nature of being.  There is no fault in being human." This made me relax like I have yet to feel since.

That is when I recognized that he was a part of the greater light and in a way a custodian of our planet, kind of like he was assigned to it, it was his to "rule" and watch over, to guide and protect and to love and nurture.  Yet, this being was more than he appeared to be to me in that moment, this was just what I could comprehend at this time.  I recognized this.

*   *   *

I was asleep on my bed after taking 8 tablets as prescribed by the doctor not realizing that it was 8 per day not 8 at once. I experienced a sort of light sleep culminating with a sensation of breaking into a million particles.

I could sense that my body was still on the bed and I was sort of above it but only just it was a sensation of separation from the physical body but still being fully aware of my essence. During this stage my aura as I will call it was intermingling with a friend who was asleep next to me on my bed.
I was communicating with the aura of my friend who was beside me. It was like our auras were a culmination of all our many lives and experiences since being on Earth and the beginning of time from the caveman days to now. I could tell which gene pool he stemmed from and also my own. As my friend was only sleeping I took this as a sort of force field that we all have, something which we all are connecting with amongst each other even if we don't realize it.

I was then taken at a great speed and flown around the world at a great speed it was pulling me around by my solar plexus region. I have no body at this stage but I'm still a soul and I also know this. When my journey around the Earth had reached above Indonesia (as I was flying around the equator (it was sort of like looking at a Google earth map) I was sucked into a tunnel although it didn't have sides so to speak just a feeling that I was being drawn up to the next level. I was greeted by a light being although I don't remember flying into a light as such.

I knew this soul and was guided around the place I was shown rooms and doorways mostly which contained other souls learning things and preparing for their return to Earth or where ever their next journey was to be.

I also saw souls who I would call Angels or higher beings they were helping Earthlings with many problems even medical discoveries.

I was taken to many different levels by this friend and learned that anything is possible in this place. I can't remember most of the levels as each one seemed more complex than the last but I do remember the lower levels so to speak. I'm sure I was taken to higher places but I am not to remember these places as my life here would be affected. I think there may be about 7 or possibly more but I have a basic memory of about 3 or 4.

I was taken before God who was just as I imagined; a bright light being so brilliant it was like I've never seen.  Yet we had met before, with a human form but no body so to speak approximately 8 ft tall and made from pure love and light. We communicated telepathically and every question I had was answered although I don't remember exactly what I asked. I was shown a movie of my life from start till then it was so fast and yet so precise. I was asked if I would change anything which I answered "yes of course." He also asked me questions too! Like, was I happy with my life? To which I replied that I was.

I was left with a feeling inside as to how much good I'd given and how much bad I'd given. I was told this would be the feeling I'd be left with whilst there. My feeling was not bad. It was not extremely great either. It was a slightly nervous feeling but one that I could be satisfied with.

I'm imagining that if you were mean and awful throughout your life that that is the feeling you would be left with whilst transitioning to the next place. Even though this place was so wonderful and sort of felt like home and most people could never imagine nor want to leave I asked if I could go back to Earth.

God asked me why and I told him that my kids were asleep in the next room and I would never forgive myself if they had to wake in the morning and find their mum dead. The previous year their father had committed suicide and if they had to grow up with a mum who had a drug overdose and a dad who committed suicide then they would think that no-one loved them enough to be around which was so far from the truth. My every particle was aching with this thought. I was allowed to come back there was no begging or pleading it was like it was what I wanted so much and unselfish that I had it given to me. I'm so thankful for that.

I was told that if I was to come back I would have to forget what I had learned on the other side as it would interfere with my life. I was sent back so quickly through the soles of my feet and awoke a few hours later.

*   *   *

I was doing veterinary work on a horse. The horse reared up and struck me directly with its front hoof hitting my head and face and arm, from defensive gesture. I fractured several facial bones, detached retina, fractured radius in arm.  Was unconscious for a brief period.  My experience during this period however seemed to take much more "time" if it were to occur strictly in this physical dimension.

I found myself suddenly above my body, looking down on the whole scene.  I could see things that were outside the stall I was in even though that would have been impossible if I was seeing from where my body was.  It was like looking down like a camera that has pulled up to see an expanded view of a scene.  I became aware that there were 2 (possibly 3) beings with me, one on either side.  They were communicating with me - directly, telepathically, just putting their input directly into my consciousness, no words and much less "time".  I knew I was somehow removed from these usual "laws" or ways of processing experience.  While I did not sense a life review on specific terms, I was shown, by understanding - not pictures or movies, many significant things in my life.  The good and the bad.  All focused on my contributions - how I handled myself.  I remember the almost palpable absence of all fear.  I was made to understand that this fear is what underlies many of our poor choices.  That there is nothing to fear.  I felt compassion toward myself like I never could imagine possible.  A type of love that I never knew.  Empathy, sympathy for all I'd experienced and a new determination to let myself live as I could and should and must.  I knew I had a clear purpose and was shown this purpose so I could understand how needed I was.

I felt no pain.  Not sure if I had a body or if my guides did, it didn't seem to matter.  I was in contact with all information - total understanding of everything.  But what I connected with was just the importance of my life purpose.  I saw the future (don't remember it) and even saw how difficult recovery would be from the accident but knew I would get through it which was all that mattered - for me to get on to do what I am meant to do.  And that I could only serve this purpose if I lost my fears - of rejection, not being liked for the stands I took, other people having control of things (only we do), etc.  And then I could act out of pure love - no complications or compromises.  Once I "understood all this" I found myself back in my body in excruciating pain.  I also had the knowledge that these guides are always there when they are needed.  They are the ultimate nurturers.

give evil nothing to oppose

Here's a nice little quote from Byron Katie—her book A Thousand Names for Joy. In this book she responds to verses of the Tao Te Ching. Her husband, who is a scholar and translator of the Tao, recorded her responses to each verse. At the time they were doing this book, she was going blind.

In this case, the verse was:

Give evil nothing to oppose
and it will disappear by itself.

Her response:

Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it—it's just easier if you do. If you have a problem, it can only be because of your unquestioned thinking. How do you react when you believe that the past should have been different? You scare yourself stuck, because what you resist persists. You get to keep your stressful world, a world that doesn't exist except in your imagination; you get to stay in the nightmare.

that scary lady

A friend of mine in Northern Ireland calls Sarah Palin, 'scary lady.' I'd use stronger language than that but what's the point. When I hear her talking about how we should go to war with Russia, or how humans don't cause global warming—when I hear her say that the war in Iraq is a mandate from God—oh brother. Forget about the book burning and all the rest of it.

Not much surprises me. I'm the one who usually advises people to let go of their expectations of human behavior—but this, this is really beyond the pale.

This is not a political blog and I don't want to talk politics. I'm just interested in how the rest of you are handling this. Are you able to find a place to stand above the battleground? Are you able to remind yourself that you can't see the whole picture? What's your take on this?

How are you dealing with the us-vs.-them mentality and its resulting intensification of ego activity? Can you let go of your preferences in this situation and find peace of mind? Where does equanimity end and denial begin? What does forgiveness mean in this context?

taking the pressure off

The spiritual path takes energy. Not the same kind of energy as is required by physical activity, but the energy of vigilance—vigilance and concentration and mindfulness. These types of focuses are uncomfortable at first, and the 'at first' phase seems to last a long time. We don't want to focus. We don't want to be uncomfortable, and we love distraction.

Sometimes, indulging in talking about one's spiritual path and the inevitable hashing and rehashing of experiences that occurs in such talk, is simply a method of avoidance. We avoid the work that needs doing by talking about it, and delude ourselves into thinking that the talking-about-it IS the work.

Realization is a change of state. Like changing cold water to steam by applying heat and making it boil, it takes a concentrated, sustained application of energy. The energy of heat has to build sufficiently to create the conditions necessary for the change of state.

Talking about spiritual process can be like repeatedly lifting the lid on the pot and checking to see if it's boiling yet. It slows down the transformation by leaking valuable heat.

We speak, often, because we can't bear the sensation of pressure created by silence. But it is in that very sensation of pressure that transformation occurs. It's the pressure that changes a lump of coal into a diamond.

Or let's put it this way, since time is not linear in reality: it's the pressure that reveals the fact that the lump of coal is, simultaneously, a diamond.