subtle senses

Well, as it turns out, Tibetan Dream Yoga is definitely not something I'm going to learn from a book, nor do I think it's a good idea for me to try. Extremely arcane and complex, but a fascinating teaching from which I'm learning a bunch of interesting helpful tidbits that I'll share in another post.

I was meditating the other day, and what arose to be viewed, for the first time, was a very subtle sense of superiority to the plant kingdom. This may sound ridiculous, but I realized that when I look at a plant--even though I love and admire plants and have always considered myself sensitive to their needs and as though I  have relationships with them--I believe I am a superior being. This was an odd thing to perceive about myself.

It's something that maybe you take as a given and are thinking, what an idiot, of course we're superior to plants. But if you really experience it for a moment, there is something very subtly painful about feeling that way. It is a shutting off of communication between you and the plant, and therefore must be ego. The ego's goal is always to shut off communication.

Another obstacle I've been encountering lately--and I think this is a good one to get a handle on before I get too much older because it's coming up more and more often as I age--is coping with my ego reactions when a friend or acquaintance becomes seriously ill. My husband and I are at that age where these types of things are beginning to happen more often. We are relatively young (in our fifties) but this seems to be the decade in which these types of things begin showing up more readily.

There are of course a whole panoply of reactions when something like this happens. They range from being glad it's not "me," to being afraid that "I'm next," to judging the person negatively in some subtle way, to feeling honest compassion and the desire to be of help, to thinking you know why the person got sick. It's all really crap.

Here's where forgiveness needs to be turned around and applied to the little self, to the ego. Because honestly the ego shines at moments like these and causes a lot of pain. This is the stuff of legend to the ego--a feast. It can get you to conjure up the most twisted forms of resistance.

My particular least favorite right now is the idea that I can figure out why another person is sick. Thinking that I understand their mental cause and effect. This is right up there with thinking that you understand someone else's relationship or marriage in terms of the degree of internal pain it can cause. The self condenses around it like concrete.

Anyway, forgiveness is a tool that sometimes has to be turned around and directed at the ego itself. That's a good way to disengage from its foolishness and recover some sense of integrity. It's easy to become disgusted with the ego, but much more freeing to just view it--watch it come and go--and realize that it's just going to do its thing and if you calm down and stop freaking out about it, it will dissipate on its own. It has no life without the energy of identification it gets when you have an emotional reaction to it.

It's just stormy weather.

And one more thing. When driving to work this morning I came up with a fun little mindfulness game that cut through my internal dialogue about whether the person in front of me was obstructing me in some way. You know--driving too slow or too fast or too stupidly or whatever. I decided to try to focus on each car I followed and notice as many details as possible about it while it was in front of me, while at the same time keeping kind of a panoramic awareness of the whole scene. It was really a relief to see how easy it was to use a little mindfulness to cut through the usual sense of traffic grievance.

Comments

[Simon]

I know well that feeling of wanting to apply my own vaunted sense of expertise and experience to the pain of others. I have also, thankfully, become rather adept at stepping more often to the side and observing what's going on rather than trying to interfere. Mostly.

And unexpectedly, the side effect this has had (it seems to me) is an ego reaction in others who then perceive me as being non-committal or weak for refusing to poke my nose into things more forcefully.

I also play similar traffic games to distract myself from becoming too caught up in how everybody else is so obviously a far inferior driver to me. I'm so awesome on the road!
:)

[marian]

Yes, everyone is an inferior driver to me, too. Amazing what we have in common, Simon.

I have the same dilemma at times--in terms of people thinking I'm being non-commital rather than non-judgmental, but I've been trying to refrain from giving my opinion about other's problems unless it is asked for, either verbally or non-verbally, or unless I have a super-strong feeling that I should.

I'm going to do a post about the Buddhist idea of "right speech," which is interesting me lately...

[Aileen]

I always thought I was a superior driver, but I've lately come to realize that my record contradicts that. Being South American I'm probably a worse driver than most. I tend to drive a little faster and I don't always follow all the rules. So I now identify with being an inferior driver -- I'm not sure which is better.

I haven't felt superior to plants yet (can't wait for that experience), but I have felt superior to some animals. I've never liked my dogs very much. I've been making an effort to forgive my German Shepherd -- or forgive myself for thinking less of him. It's working. He surprises me daily. I'm gaining a whole new view of him.